Work Doesn't Exist. I Go On Quests Now.

I had an epiphany yesterday.

"Work doesn't exist" I exclaimed to my coach. 

"So everyday you just live your purpose now?"

"Yup."

I live in downtown St. Petersburg FL and have worked remotely since I moved here. I take the same route to walk my dog everyday and then I get inside sit at my desk and do not move for 8 hours or more. I won't even eat until 3 pm on most days. I don't do this intentionally. It's never crossed my mind that I could take a midday walk, ride my bike or just go read in the park and have lunch for the hell of it. 

A couple of year ago when I was in undergrad I worked three jobs while going to school full time. My friend Ves worked and went to school just the same as I did. The only difference between us was that Ves spent time outside every single day. She also invited me to do things with her every single day. I said no, every single time. I deeply regret this. 

A little over a month ago I was laid off. Within two weeks I said fuck it I am going to start a school. 

Why am I working so hard for everyone else when I could be working for myself and doing something that actually matters to me?

So in a fury of inspiration I have been working around the clock to bring the world Starlight Synergy School. It hasn't really felt like work because I am obsessed with what I am doing and enjoying every second of it. There's just one problem. It is possible to become burned out even when doing something you love. All day I sit at my desk hopping from one task to the other. It's great for my AuDHD brain because there is so much to do and all different types of tasks that when I get bored of something I just move onto something else so I am holistically productive and don't do anything but create all day long. I am so focused and involved I forget to eat, so by the time I do around 3 pm or so I am exhausted, the headache already slowly began around noon but I wasn't able to notice it and come 5 pm I don't have enough in me to even walk my dog or do anything much more than watch TV even though my yes are completely fried by staring at a screen all day. 

What is the point in Starlight Synergy School again? Wasn't there something to do with Joy, Ease, and Peace? Isn't it about being able to live life to the fullest? I am obsessed with what I am creating but sitting in front of a screen 24/7 is not exactly my definition of living life to its fullest. To continue life on this path while creating a school that teaches the opposite way of how I am living is complete hypocrisy.

Why would I create something in such a way that only my students are allowed to enjoy life to the fullest and not me? Why would anyone listen to someone who isn't practicing what they preach?

The thing is I don't have active FOMO for taking breaks in my day. How can someone have FOMO about something they don't even realize exists? The only breaks I've ever known are for cigarettes and I don't smoke anymore so that doesn't cross my mind either. 

So yesterday I scheduled the sunrise, an hour midday alarm for going outside to do whatever the fuck I want, and reminders to pack my journal when I go to yoga so that I can write immediately after my practice when the lightening bolts are still fresh.

And I got butterflies!

"I get to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it... I wrote that in my vision for my perfect life two years ago! I am here, this is it. I have arrived."

"Okay Katie, lets go back to the original belief you had here where you said you've been taught to believe work has to be hard. How do you want to rewire this? Work gets to be joyful? Work gets-"

"WORK DOESN'T EXIST!"

I go on quests now. That's what I am deciding to call it. Idiots invented work when we all could have just kept on living. Which means work is a made up thing, so fuck it, and get outta here. 

Last night I ate a weed cookies and took a bath. A bath I actually enjoyed. For me this is not normal, for a lot of Neurodivergent people this is not normal. Showering in general is usually a nightmare. But for the first time instead of seeing it as a task to complete I took my time and allowed myself whatever I wanted. I put on a face mask that made me gold and just played in the tub like a child. Did you know you don't have to sit still or lie down in a bath the entire time? Like you can do whatever you want. 

I woke up this morning and went to the sunrise for the first time since summer. I wore my bright colored floral onesie thats 3 sizes too big for even more comfort. I brought Charlie and a mug of hot lemon water, then we walked to the dog park and I had the pleasure of meeting Sandy, her dog Higgs, and Maurice. Sandy has lived in St. Pete for 35 years and Maurice has been keeping our parks beautiful for 25 years. 

I don't know what else my day has in store aside from meetings scheduled and tasks to complete but I do know one thing, my quest for today is to do something I don't normally do that will bring me joy. Whether that be going for a bike ride or an afternoon stroll for the park, fuck it I could decide to go have a glass of wine on the pier for lunch. It doesn't fucking matter. I literally get to do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to in life and I am here for it. 

The layers of healing that come later in the process are so tiny its impossible to understand their existence until BAM it just hits you in the face and somehow it's these tiny realizations, I am finding, are having the most profound impact on my life. 

So I will leave you with my writing of the morning.

Contact

 We do everything we can to avoid it

heads down afraid to say hello

it's no wonder we're all alone

I met Sandy today

while avoiding contact

but my dog humped hers

so I was forced to break the silent contract

In a world filled with robots

we crave the accidental force

We could have done things so differently

yet the world we've created ignores the entire human experience

If only we had stayed human

we might not have lowered heads

If only we had stayed human

we might not need all these meds

The extinction has started

no matter how long these bodies last

Now that our grandparents are gone

the time is coming fast