The Unknown is Where all Outcomes Are Possible

Today would have been my Papa's 103rd birthday.

It's still more strange for me to acknowledge his death than it is to imagine celebrating his 103rd birthday.

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been meaning to write however it felt impossible when every other minute my emotions would change. How could I stay steady in a thought or idea if I can't stay steady in who I am?

But that is not the point of life. I am not supposed to stay steady. I get the opportunity to live every moment as a completely new day if I choose to.

Two Fridays ago I set off to spend the weekend on a animal sanctuary in South Florida with one of my best friends. I planned this as a moment to refresh my spirit and soul going into the launch and first classes of Starlight Synergy School which I have been working towards now for three months.

I was PUMPED. To the point where I was blasting my early 2000s manifestation playlist as I drove 4 hours to meet Veslemoy for our weekend oasis.

I was driving 70 miles an hour in weekend traffic across highway 70 when I saw the car directly in front of me swerve to the left.

IF YOU SWERVED TO THE RIGHT SHE COULD HAVE MADE IT ACROSS

I thought.

Oh my god. Anything but a dog, please!

I had a split second to check my rearview mirror to see if I had the clearance to slam on my breaks. There was a semi directly behind me.

A two lane highway, with no shoulder, guardrails on both sides and cars coming at me in both lanes, I had no choice.

I hit her. She rolled under my car and I expected the semi to finish the job, but they were able to swerve enough as she fell to  the ground. As I pulled as close to the guardrail as possible to park I noticed a circle of vehicles in my rearview mirror. No one hit each other. No one was hurt. Other than the dog.

No one stopped.

As the dog limped until she fell to the ground in the middle of the road every car just gawked as they drove past.

Finally a man in a luxary range rover pulled over stopping traffice to pickup the dog and bring her to the side of the highway.

As I approached I could see her belly rising and falling as she continued to breathe.

I had hoped she was already dead. I didn’t want her to suffer.

Strangely, in this moment where I would normally be in panic I felt myself being confused on what to do as I dialed 911. I knew the police would not be able to do anymore than we could for her but I couldn’t think of what else I was supposed to do in that moment.

“So no cars have been in a collision, and no one is hurt?”

Dispatch responded.

“Well, the dog is hurt!” I blurted out before hanging up.

“Should we get her some water?” I asked to the man with me as I sat there petting her.

In that moment I decided to start reiki. As my hands were on her I just get repeated to myself, If we cannot heal her please remove all pain.

And in that moment she rolled over to face me smiling, and for a moment I imagined her being my new dog. Dogs survive and thrive without use of their back legs these days. There wasn’t massive amounts of blood or puncture wounds. I was going to take her home to Charlie and Langdon.

I continued to pour water on her neck and massage it into her skin in the hot sun. When another man showed up.

“She’s not going to make it to the vet you guys.”

“We have to try.” I said.

Before I knew it he picked her up and flung her over his shoulder carrying her to his pickup where he tossed her into the bed.

At that point I knew she was paralyzed and couldn’t feel, but there was something about the way he handled her body that I didn’t like. Though looking back now I realize what he did for her was the most humane thing that could have been done, and something I was not capable of doing.

I spent the resr of the car ride in silence. Feeling as though I should be hating myself, but knowing there was nothing I could have done.

I got to Vicky’s retreat where Veslemoy and I were to stay on a skoolie in a wooded area surrounded by dogs, goats, and horses. I felt as though the animals would smell the murder on me.

It was a strange feeling though. I was never sad about hitting her. I was sad I wasn’t able to take her home and rehabilitate her. But something about being sad about hitting her made me feel as though that sadness would be selfish. That sadness was not for me to feel. Afterall she is the one who lost her life. I recognized there was a reason/meaning or whatever you want to call it behind all of this.

As Veslemoy and I went to feed Breezy the therapy horse apples, the sage I had been carrying burst into flames after trying to put it out three times and smoke billowed everywhere to the point where it forced me into the middle of the road and Ves was able to go to Breezy but I wasn’t.

I could sense Breezy had initiated that flame. She wasn’t ready for me to come near her. Or maybe I wasn’t ready. I could feel something in me needed to be released although I wasn’t quite sure what that was yet. All I knew was this was a very clear sign it was not the moment for me to meet Breezy.

Ves and I stomped out the embers with our bare feet and headed back to our bus.

The next morning I woke up with the sun, made myself some tea and took a seat at our patio set in front of the bus with a few books and a deck of medicine cards I found in the bus and set out to spend the morning mapping my animal medicine I am blessed to share with the world.

I cleared my space, smudged and set my intentions.

First card (animal of the East) guides you to your greatest spiritual challenges and gaurds the path to illumination.

I pulled dog and burst out laughing. There are no coincidences.

“Become like dog, your own best friend.”

Second car (animal of the South) protects the child within.

I pulled wild boar. ew.

“You already poses the courage needed to confront all that life offers, just remember where you hid that courage to protect the child within and be reminded of when to be humble, and when to trust so that innocence will be balanced in your personality,”

oh okay then.

Third card (animal of the West) leads you to your personal truth and inner answers. It also shows you the path to your goals.

I pulled deer. A family of deer gave birth and grew alongside me in my year at Cornell, my year of solitude.

“Love people as they are, find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds in order to find the path to your goals. This will lead to personal truth and inner answers.”

Fourth card (animal of the North) give wise counsel and reminds you when to speak and when to listen. It also reminds you to be grateful for every blessing everyday.

I pulled squirell.

“Love yourself enough to gather the goods that will meet your needs in times of scarcity. Honor your future by readying yourself for change. Lighten your load of thoughts, worries, pressures, stresses, or gadgets that have been broken for years.”

Fifth card (animal of above) teaches you how to honor the Great Star Nation, and reminds you that you came from the stars and to the stars you will return. The animal is also the gaurdian of dreamtime- for your personal access to the other dimensions.

I pulled frog.

“Negativity is drawn to you when you refuse to give yourself the time and space needed to assume a new viewpoint. Use water as a conduit to clear and clean negativity from any environment for your personal access to other dimensions.”

ahhhhh.

Sixth card (animal of below) teaches you about inner Earth, and how to stay grounded and on the path.

I pulled otter.

“Follow the waters of the universe to stay grounded and on the path. Love without jealousy, it is the joy of loving other peoples children and their accomplishments as much as you love your own. Stop your addiction to worry. Do not hang on to burdensome material things.”

Seventh card (animal of within) teaches you how to find your hearts joy and how to be faithful to your personal truths. It is also the protector of your sacred space, this place is yours alone and is never shared except by invitation.

I pulled wolf.

The way I see myself as a leader, from behind, ensuring all make it.

“It is in sharing great truths that the conciousness of humanity will attain new heights. Seek lonely places to see the teacher within. Look for teachings no matter where you are. Wolf would not come unless you requested the appearance of the tribes greatest teacher.”

The left and right animals are animals that have presented themselves through dreams your entire life or animals you feel deep connection with.

Alligators have been a prominent entity of my dreams since I can remember dreaming.

The animal on your left is the protector of your female side and teaches you that you must learn to recieve abundance as well as to nurture yourself and others. The left side animal is also your teacher about relationships and mothering.

“Digest the situation at hand before making rash moves. Embrace your flexibility, knowing you are expanding beyond your former limits, even if others are wallowing in their self created quicksand. Refrain from passing judgement untill all facts are examined.”

The animal on my right was between the eagle and dolphin and when I went to the page for dolphin I felt heat start to swell in my chest which I have come to learn is a signal from my subconcious that means yes, when trying to make a decision.

The animal on your right protects your male side and teaches you that no matter where you turn it will be your father-protector within. The animal also carries your courage and warrior spirit.

“You are to be a link to some solution for the children of Earth. Be mindful of your body rythems and patterns of energy being fed from creator. Ride the waves of laughter, spread joy. Manna (breath) is life force. Carrier of messages of our progress between worlds using new ways of breath.”

As I continued through the weekend I would write down random thoughts or ideas that would come up for me.

To achieve my goals I must become gentle (deer).

If you’re not present with your anger than it has no purpose.

Break the robot habit.

How to unvictimize powerful leaders?

Yoga card pulls:

Jesus Christ- “Toward realization of the worlds highest ideal- peace through brotherhood- may yoga, the science of personal contact with the divine, spread in time to all men in all lands.

Luther Burbank- “I look forward optimistically to a health happy world as soon as its children are taught the principles of simple and rational living. We must return to nature and natures God.”

Don’t talk to anyone.

Don’t look at anyone.

You need some fucking time alone.

And you know why.

to be continued…