Reflecting

I am sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight to Paris, France for a work trip. I never thought I would actually type that sentence. For a long time I never thought I would make it past the age of 18. I also never thought I would get over the idea of having an abortion. Yet, here I am, an international traveling scientist, alive at 33 without a baby and grateful to be so.

Writing my last post took a lot out of me. I realize I am a person that puts my private life out there and sometimes that can come across as not caring or attention seeking. It’s quite the opposite though. I try to conquer all the things I fear in life. One of the biggest things I fear is the way people view and perceive me. Mainly because I know what it feels like to have those views effect my personal relationships and those I love most.

Writing my last post felt somewhat equivalent to when I wrote my coming out post on IG and Facebook almost two years ago. It wasn’t until after I made the post that I realized just how much weight I was holding from keeping something like that a secret for so long.

Knowing the person that I am I imagine others in my life who are not like me but have similar stories to tell but don’t have the ability to share them yet. After sharing my story I was able to hear stories from multiple other women and even some men who have gone through similar experiences. These are healing moments on both ends.

I am grateful to those who reach out. I was especially grateful to hear from people in the church who had positive responses. One response in particular came from a guy in the church I attended while growing up. He said “Hopefully hearing stories like yours will help men who grew up in the church realize that they’ll never have to experience something like that and have no right to force their views on others”. Spot on my man, and makes me hope more men from the church are reading my posts if this is the kind of response it’s getting.

But the best response actually came from my parents. When we work on healing ourselves a funny thing starts to happen. People start treating you better. You create boundaries to protect your own peace and while those boundaries are being built, those who love you most will figure out a way to keep themselves inside that wall as opposed to outside of it if they want to. My parents, though having different viewpoints on many things in life have decided they want to be within my walls not outside of them and for that I am grateful.

For the first time in my life I feel loved without condition. Over my life I slowly created what I thought was a means of accepting myself through the idea of never being fully accepted by some of whom I love most. I didn’t feel safe sharing the truth about many things in my life and just learned to accept it being that way indefinitely. Until I came out, and until I told the truth about my abortion. I am sure there will be other things to come in the future especially through writing my book. Which is taking much longer than expected based on how hard it is to navigate these big emotions I thought I had let go. The truth is I never accepted these things totally. I tolerated them. I tolerated my emotions of not being accepted by pretending not to care because it made it easier than caring. If you are someone who is tolerating your existence based on the acceptance of others I am going to ask you to stop living this way, today, and to embrace who you are fully. (So long as you are physically safe to do so.) I understand there are some people out there that might not actually be able to do this based on real physical danger it could put them in and I just want those people to know that I am here and willing to talk if you need someone to be there for you.

My relationship with my parents wasn’t magically healed the day I came out. In fact, the past two years since I have come out have been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been many conversations had to pick up the pieces and move forward. However, if I hadn’t taken the leap to come out and if I hadn’t made the decision to tell the truth about my abortion story, then doors would have never been opened to have the healing conversations with my parents that were needed. I realize I am priviledged to have the kind of response that I have recieved. I realize I am lucky and that not everyone has the same response. Here is the thing though, I was ready to not have a good response. I allowed myself the freedom to not look back and decide whatever will come from this decision will help me move forward even if that means I lose people that I love because I finally realized I needed to love myself first and I was too exhausted to go on in life changing who I was dependant upon who I was around. So, I decided to believe those who love me will continue to love me and those who don’t, wont, and I will know the difference between the two when I am nothing but true.

There is one last thing I want to discuss before ending this post, and that is the way we judge our own stories. Forever, I thought I’m not gay enough to come out, My story doesn’t matter because there are more impactful stories out there, who am I to think this matters?

SHUT IT DOWN

Your story matters. You matter. If you are feeling called to come out or tell your story then tell it. There are those who watch by in silence, people you are impacting that will never tell you, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Not only that, but the biggest part of telling your story is the impact it will have on you. If telling my story heals me, you bet your ass I am going to tell it. Because becoming a better person for myself helps me be a better person for other people in this world. Meaning I will be able to do more for others if I am able to make myself better. The weight is real, the longterm depression is real, but ya know what else is real? The healing, the possibility of change, and finally feeling free from something you didn’t know had you imprisoned this whole time.

I am so grateful to those who read my blog and to all of you who reached out. Thank you for accepting me and thank you for your support.