The Calm After the Storm

In the past, after I would accomplish something I would dive head first into my next project without allowing myself the space, time or grace to really feel and absorb the moment. The release of my book has completely changed that. I have allowed myself to completely feel this moment for everything it is and will be for the rest of my life. 

I faced every fear I have had my entire life with the exception of the ocean and the physical dark. I can move forward confidently knowing that those who come into my life now that this book is published are my kind of people. This book is somewhat of a passive boundary I've set with the world. It says "this is exactly what you are going to get from me", with the openness to change at any moment. With integrity of course.

If you haven't yet made it to the chapter entitled "Nostalgia" you won't entirely understand the video above. So I will let you in on a small portion of that chapter:

"DO YOU KNOW THE TASTE of your first cigarette? The one you didn’t know how to smoke? And yet, even if you haven’t smoked in years, if you go back to that place, all of a sudden, when you take one hit of a cigarette, you are transported to that time.

For me, it’s the first cigarette I ever smoked on Bradley’s front porch with my friend Donovan, pretending I knew what I was doing. The cigarettes I smoked before water polo practice, driving around the high-class neighborhoods where I grew up. Every cigarette I smoked to be part of the social group at Guitar Center. The countless cigarettes I smoked while playing chess and Blokus on my phone, when I had to live with my parents again, obsessively playing Call of Duty in Benjamin’s basement. And the countless cigarettes I smoked on the back patio of 3rd & 3rd.

Also, the cigarette I smoke now at Flatbread and Butter in downtown St. Petersburg, to remember every person I have been up to who I am now and how each and every one of them made me who I am today. You can hate that I was a smoker; even I can hate that. But not to acknowledge the impact smoking had on my life would be a lie as to who I have become."

In the video above I am smoking a cigarette the night my book released. The night I hit best seller in LGBTQ+ and Survival Memoirs. I let myself absorb the entire moment. I'm still reveling in it almost two weeks later. I've been showering consistently. I've let myself sleep in unapologetically. I even cleaned my apartment and organized a closet today. 

Writing a book is a grueling process. Especially when you write a book that picks apart every traumatic experience in your life. You have to relive it all. I had to relive it all. It took a toll on my self care. It took a toll on my ability to receive. 

I gratefully receive all of the feedback and support you all have showed me. I want you to know how deeply I feel your support and how much every single one of you has made me feel seen to my fullest for the first time in my life. 

With the release of "Remember Who the Fuck You Are", I was able to finish the journey which meant I got to remember who the fuck I am. New levels bring new devils man, and I know I've conquered the devils on this one. But for now I am going to take the time to be happy, find joy, get back into the routines that fuel my energy, and dive deep into the creative storm brewing in my head and heart. 

The past couple of years I have been so jealous of coaches out their who have completely honed in on their niche, had sparks of lightening hit their brain and send them down a path of instant success because they were in such alignment with what they were meant to do on this earth. For the first time in my life I feel the confidence and the inner knowing of what I am supposed to do. 

My angel number since my Nana and Papa passed has been 324. I have seen it everywhere and consistently since their death. I always knew this was a sign to "Keep Going". Since the day my book was release I have consistently been seeing the number 323. At first I started waiting for the clock to turn 3:24, or made excuses that 323 is still a version of my number so it must mean the same thing. Then as I drove to Delray from St. Pete for Thanksgiving this week, I drove in silence for 4 hours reflecting on the past couple of weeks when it hit me. This 323 means something entirely different than I have been thinking. It's trying to tell me something. I know each number has it's own special meaning. So I searched why a one of angel number would start to appear and these are the six reasons I found.

1. You are out of alignment with the universe and need an energetic reset.

2. The new number you keep seeing IS the angel number message for you.

3. You've simply stopped seeing angel numbers for now (you might need to open your heart and mind to different types of signs).

4. You've learned the lesson or applied the advice the former angel number had for you.

5. It's time to take a break from active manifesting.

6. Step back or move forward (if the number is bigger than the former number- move forward or try harder. If the number is smaller- move back or go more slowly).

With the exception of number 3 I felt and instantaneous pull and knowing. Whatever cycle I have been in the past couple of years had been completed. I learned what I needed to learn. Before this drive I had already decided on taking a step back from pushing as I have my entire life, so number six just reaffirmed that I am already in alignment and flowing in my intuition. Then I looked up the meaning of the number 323.

"The angel umber 323 is a gentle reminder to trust your intuition and follow your heart's desires. It holds a message that your creativity and unique gifts are meant to be shared with others to bring joy and inspiration to the world."

On my drive back from Delray I had a new download that immediately clicked. I have spent the past two years actively manifesting. I graduated from Manifestation Babe Academy in April and created a pressure around the manifestation process. The thing is Manifestation is supposed to be easy. Manifestation is the subconscious already knowing what you desire is destined for you. It's time for me to receive all that it is I already believe. It's on its way.  

As we dive deeper into winter and the daylight becomes less and less it is a reminder that our bodies and minds are meant to take rest. It is in rest that we are able to find wisdom and reflection of our past year. Sitting with this reflection and allowing yourself to witness it without judgement, but instead with curiosity allows us the space needed to go into the next year with more clarity and energy to pursue our next adventures. 

Moving forward I will be writing on here to update where my journey and future adventures go. I already have an idea for my next book, my next course, meetings planned with investors for the dating app and so many ideas ping ponging around in my head. But for now I am taking space to reincorporate my Vipassana and yoga practices back into my life. That new level is going to bring a new devil and I am going to be ready for it.

Until next time,